Who Am I?

"I don't have the looks of Rihanna, the body of Beyonce or the height of Ciara".  That is what one of my students said to me today as she was tearfully sharing with me the pain she feels for "not being pretty enough, not being skinny enough, not being smart enough" to be popular in school.  Her parents don't understand her pain and she doesn't know how to talk to them in a way that will help them to understand.  They talk at her and not with her.  This student is none of those things she described.  She is the exact opposite:  beautiful inside and out, funny, smart, a deep thinker.  She's someone, like many of her same-age peers, who believes in the good in people.  So why doesn't she believe better about herself?  Her story, unfortunately, is not unique.  I encounter many students, male and female, who don't know who they are, have no idea how to define themselves, and no idea how to find the answers.  This student feels alone, confused and ovewhelmed at trying to live up to an image that she has no idea how to define or articulate in a way that makes sense to her or anyone else.

The mind of a teenager is constantly at work, constantly processing.  That can be a good thing but the troubling part with that is in many cases, that mind is processing material that tells them how they should be, how they should look, how they should think, how they should dress, how they should behave.  Material found on TV, in magazines, in the movies, on the internet.  Material that usually indirectly sets a standard that most, if not all, young people cannot reach.  This can be detrimental.  How many young people have not realized their full, individual potential because of a false sense of "how they should be?"  How has society lost out as a result?

There is some normalcy in an adolescent's search for identity and the answers to the question of "who am I?"  However, when everywhere a teen turns they see "perfection" in those they admire and then they look at themselves and see a lot of 'imperfection", it leads to uncertain feelings and negative thoughts of self.  It leads to a sense of feeling "not good enough".  It leads to pressure to be something other than what makes that individual happy.  It leads to preoccupation with doing things that will make others happy, thus leading to neglect of schoolwork, limited school success, lack of identity, poor relationships, family discord, disconnect with one's value and moral system.  It leads to feeling different as if one doesn't "fit in" with everyone else.

The lesson for young people is this:  In this world in which you live, there are always going to be people you see (movie stars, rappers, musicians, athletes, models) who are your age and SEEM as if they have perfect hair, perfect bodies, perfect skin, perfect wardrobes, perfect friends, perfect houses, perfect cars, perfect lives.  It is normal to want to experience what you "think" their life is like.  The happiness, good times, fancy clothes, money, wonderful family and friends.  However, it is imperative that young people realize that what they think of these people is a PERCEPTION, something that is not real.  A PERCEPTION is all it is.  A design to distract you from your greatness.  That perception in no way defines you.  It in no way is a measure of who you are OR who you can become.  Young people must remember that each and every individual has THEIR OWN unique set of gifts and talents.  There is no one in the world identical to you.  That is to be celebrated and built upon.  Love yourself and love all that is a part of you from your physical appearance to your intellect to your personality traits.  Who you are is determined by you.  Don't underestimate yourself and instead challenge yourself.  Challenge yourself to read more, to study more, to help more, to do more.  Trust your sense of right and wrong.  Don't be afraid to be different.  It's okay to not follow the crowd.  It's okay to not be the most popular person in school.  It's okay to be the quiet person in the class.  It's okay to not be the most muscular person or the skinniest person in class.  It's okay to not have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It's okay to not spend Friday and Saturday nite at the popular hangout.  It's okay to reject those things that can lead to trouble:  drugs, alcohol, sex.  It's okay to be you and to feel good about it.  Understand that "who you are" is a work-in-progress, a work that will constantly evolve throughout your life.  Talk to your parents or an adult you trust and know will give love, support, guidance.  Write them a letter.  Let them know who you are, your likes, your dislikes, your feelings about the world in which you live and the people in it.

Life is full of surprises and excitement.  Figuring out the answers to the question of "who am I?" is part of the surprise and excitement.  Approach it with enthusiasm, embrace the journey, stay the course.  Adolescence is an uncertain time, yet a short period of time in life.  When you are finished and reach acceptance of self, the face of Rihanna, the body of Beyonce, the height of Ciara or anything about anyone else will not matter.  It won't matter because you took the time and developed the courage to find out "who am I?" and you probably like the answer.