Sunday, September 13, 2009

Missing Dad

This past week I was having a talk with a student who told me that he didn't like his father much.  His high school career can easily be described as one of many ups and downs with many periods of seriousness and aloofness.  As a response to my surprise he added that he NEVER liked his father much.  When young people tell me about their feelings, I always ask questions and one of those questions is always "why".  He told me that his father puts on a show pretending to care when around others but never does much for him and never really comes around.  His father has never encouraged him in school, has never helped with homework, has never encouraged him in sports, has not talked to him about "picking the right girl", has not had "THE SEX" talk with him, has not shown him how to tie a tie, has not shown him how to shave or cut his hair, has not watched the NBA Finals, NFL Super Bowl or World Series with him, and has not taken him out on outings or trips to ball games.  This student who is close to the adult age matter-of-factly told me that he's been figuring life out for himself and that he doesn't need or want his father.

The subject of "parental absence" has been a hot topic, particularly since our President made note of it in his Father's Day message.  As I think about this subject, I think about countless stories, told by countless teens who have no daily, consistent interaction or relationship with their fathers.  This dynamic has created a lot of anger.  What is the impact?  I don't know if anyone knows the total depth of the impact but I do know that angry teens become angry adults.

I am not a parent myself, but rather than feed or enable the anger, I try to give young people a different perspective to consider.  It certainly doesn't ease the pain but may increase understanding which I believe leads to resolution.  In my years of working with parents, I cannot recall meeting a parent who intentionally wished ill-will, hurt or harm on their children.  Parents don't wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and plan how they can mess up their child's life.  What they do is tell me this:  parenting is a tough, sometimes thankless job.  It comes with no manual and in many cases, comes unexpectedly.  It's a full-time job with no vacation time or sick leave.   It's demanding and always evolving.  It produces anxiety, stress, frustration, happiness and unbelievable joy.  Most agree that they weren't prepared mentally or financially for the responsiblity and were afraid they couldn't be a good parent.  They also tell me parenting is something they would do again, without hesitation.

As a person who believes that individuals control their life direction and not to undermine the importance of parental presence, I say this to young people:  no parent is perfect, whether present or absent from your life.  Your life's direction DOES NOT have to be determined by whether or not your parent, particularly your father, has been present in your life.  Parents come in all packages from that special teacher, to your little league coach or scout leader, to the youth minister at your church, to the neighbor next door.  Take the gift that God has bestowed upon you (a mind filled with unimaginable creativity to dream, make choices and decisions) to soar and achieve beyond expectation.  Life awaits your imprint, your trail, your vision.  Dream long and dream big.  Never give up and never limit yourself.  Never tell yourself "I can't" and never accept "I can't".  Never succomb to what others may label you and never label yourself.  I await your positive contributions to the world.      

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