Those Two Words

I could tell by the expression on her face as she and her friend asked to come to my office to talk.  I could tell by her need to bring someone with her and the reluctance to talk to me by herself.  I could tell by the "slow" stroll we took through the building and down the stairway and hallway to my office.  I could tell by the nervous, empty conversation as we walked what probably seemed like an eternity.  We sit down.  They comment on how nice my office smells.  Both young ladies are looking at me.  I could tell by the expressions.  I was just waiting to hear it.  "Well, say something", says one.  "You tell her", says the other.  "No, YOU tell her" is the return response.  I could tell by the look in her eye.  I break the exchange.  "Honey, just blurt it out.  It will be ok".

"I'm pregnant".  Those two words that are hard to say and hard to hear.  I knew my initial reaction would have a lasting impression upon this extremely impressionable teenager.  I knew she probably had spent most of the day and possibly the evening before contemplating how she would tell me and when she would tell me.  I knew she probably was frightened at the thought of a negative, unsympathetic reaction from me.  I knew she was feeling as if her entire life had just turned upside down.  I knew she was scared and I knew she needed a nonjudgmental, caring ear.  As I looked at her, I thought many things in that moment.  School, graduation, college, money, support, diapers, bottles, daycare.  Who would help with all these things?  Who will help this sixteen year-old "child" address a heavy burden that she placed upon herself.  I wanted to say many things.  Instead, I said this:  "I'm glad you came to talk to me".  At that instant, I saw the anxiety, fear, apprehension and nervousness flush out of her.  It was as if she, and her friend, let out a huge sigh of relief.  We commenced to have a candid discussion.

I asked her how she felt.  I asked her what she understood about her "situation".  I asked her if her parents were aware of this development in her life.  I asked her about the father.  I asked her about medical services.  I asked her about her immediate future plans.  Instead of hurling a bunch of "you know better" or "how could you" or "your life is over" statements, I allowed her the opportunity and space to share her story and her experiences which led to this conversation, this day, in this office. 

I shared with her what I share with many young girls who have found themselves in the exact situation.  I began with the stories of the young ladies of the teen parenting group.  I shared their struggles of having to break the news to family members, most of whom were angry and hostile.  I shared their struggles of having to live with the stigma of teen pregnancy and teen motherhood.  I shared their struggles of not having the support, financial or otherwise, of the baby's father.  I shared their struggles of having to manage school, work and parenthood.  I shared their struggles of sometimes having to "choose" between school, work and parenthood.  I shared their struggles of having to forego "teen stuff" to be held accountable to a new, full-time responsibility.  I shared their struggles of feeling unsupported, overwhelmed and sometimes depressed.

I ended by sharing with her some well-known facts.  Teenage pregnancy is not life-ending, but life-altering.  How one's life is altered depends upon the individual.  Be confident, assertive, aggressive, committed and focused.  Teen parents have access to supportive networks and services.  Teen parents can and do complete high school and pursue college and advanced education.  Teen parenting does not indicate your child's future or direction.  The President of the United States and leader of the free world, Barack Obama, was the child of a teen parent. 

I don't know what the future holds for my student, but I do know that she is a bright, intelligent, beautiful, insightful, and goal-oriented young person.  She is willing to have the hard conversation about her actions and decisions.  She is honest and truthful to herself.  She understands the value in seeking adult support and guidance.  I expect wonderful things from her now and in the future.

This is what teens should understand:  Teenage pregnancy is not a new phenomenon, yet those two words, I'm pregnant, continue to be controversial and somewhat of a lightening rod for young girls and boys.  With increased education and prevention services for young people, teenage pregnancy continues to be one of the top areas of concern for young people.  Why is that?  If you find yourself in this situation, talk to someone you trust, your parents or another adult about your choices and subsequent consequence.  Engage in careful reflection and consideration in comptemplating your future, a future that continues to shine bright and with promise.  Seek counsel from others in similar circumstance.  Seek appropriate medical care and nutrition information.  Think about the choices you make BEFORE you make them.  Think about all the positive and negative outcomes associated with your choices and think about if you can live with those outcomes.  Don't let what your friends and peers "say" they are doing influence what you may or may not do.  In most instances, it's just talk.  Don't always believe what you see on TV or read in magazines.  What is happening in one person's life is not an indicator of what may happen in your life. 

"Teenage pregnancy" and "I'm pregnant".  Admittedly, two sets of words that evoke some sort of emotion within us.  It did for me and my student on that day, in that office, when she finally blurted them out.  It's an uneasy subject for young people and adults.  We all struggle, in some way, with how to confront, address, manage.  Most young people and adults still exhibit apprehension in discussing openly.  At some point, all of us, young people, parents and other authority figures will have to engage in more open discussion on this topic.  In the meantime, I must admit that I'd rather hear "other" two words:  I STUDIED, I PASSED, I GRADUATED.